can_has_vodka | For lastvoyages: nineteenth vision [video]

Hm. Yes, well, it's your own fault you're so badly off right now, so please excuse me if I'm a bit less sympathetic than usual.

It wasn't a request. You can't be trusted around the dispensary right now, so I'll have to act as your trustee for your pain medication.

[He shakes his head. He doesn't want sympathy. He wants to be left alone, but he doesn't want sympathy. Sympathy's for losers.]

I don't get what the big deal is. It's not like I was selling the pills to other people. I wasn't even using them myself. I just...I need to have an emergency supply.

Doctor...in an emergency I could kill your pain for a whole day with no drugs.

I don't expect you to just go off your medications. I don't even expect you to stop drinking. But this is a pretty damned big mess. It's going to be a while before I can get you back in where you'd do the most good around here, and proving this won't happen again is part of that.

I'm not even pissed off at you. I'm disappointed, but even a mess this big can be sorted eventually.

I do hate seeing shit like this drag you down, though.

[Playing the disappointment card--smart. It works. He's not going to admit it works but it does.]

Making messes is what I do. It's what I've always done. I don't even plan to make a mess...[most of the time]...but I do. At my age, I don't see that stopping.

Oh, Doctor, that's just shite. It's been my privilege to Warden two of the smartest people I have ever met, and I have heard that same sort of thing twice over now. But the truth is, you've a problem-solving mind that would give Sherlock a challenge, and if anyone can sort these things out I do imagine it's you.

Intelligence and mental health don't necessarily go hand in hand. In fact, quite often the opposite is true. And even if I want to change, that doesn't mean I can. Sure, I can pretend that life is wonderful and people are wonderful and love conquers all...but I'd be lying. I don't want to be miserable but I really don't see a way around the fact that I think life sucks.

But life does suck. Life is fucking difficult. There are constant trials and trouble, disasters hit without warning and often in clusters, and people suffer who don't deserve it. Your ability to see the depressing reality of the situation is a double-edged sword. On the one end it can make the fight for something better seem fucking well purposelessness. On the other hand...you can learn that even though we're all thrashing about in the same horrible stew, there are ways to make life worth it.

When you walk into a crowded ward with chaos everywhere and a dozen odd people who need your help right fucking now, you find ways to manage. You prioritize, you make decisions, you get help, you sort it out. You tackle it one person at a time, one illness at a time, one day at a time. Yes, you end up stressed out afterward, but you deal, you do it, and afterward you have twelve live people who wouldn't have been. Those same skills and ability to break problems down and prioritize can help you here.

And by the by, how mentally normal do I seem to you? Sanity is optional. But so is misery.

Ten points for recognizing the suckiness of life. Unfortunately, I'm going to have deduct twenty for the ridiculous doctor-patient analogy.

See, I don't get stressed about patients because I don't care. I care about the diagnosis but the patients...they're just an obstacle. In fact, most of the time I don't even meet them because they're irrelevant. Medicine is a purely intellectual exercise and that's easy for me.

It's not that simple with...non-patient type people. [In other words, with his friends, family, lovers--people he cares about.] There are all kinds of 'feelings' involved. It's irrational. It's messy. It's not the kind of problem I know how to solve.

Truth is--I'm not sure I want to solve it. Being alone sucks but it's doable. Being in any kind of relationship and then losing it--because I always lose it--that sucks way worse.

Phft. My point was that you could apply those same skills to yourself. Quit wiggling.

Anyway, you don't get into relationships with the expectation that they'll last forever. Nothing does! I know the relationship I am in will end eventually. Just makes me enjoy it more while I have it.

Good for you, but that 'better to have loved and lost' crap is...well, crap. It's never better to lose. Pain is never good.

Look, I get it. I need to stop annoying people. Fine. Tell me what to do and I'll do it.

And for the record, I haven't wiggled since I was six.

Well, your social life is really your business, but I seriously doubt I'm the only person out there who really likes to hear you talk. And pain is never good. But the idea that you can avoid it completely is impractical.

[She just smiles.] I like your snark. Sometimes it has a bit too much of an edge on it, but I'm not always pleasant myself.

You really want to know what you need to do to get out of here? Because I guarantee it's an easier path than some folks here.

The reality is most people can only take me in small doses, and I don't blame them for that.

You do realize 'easier' is an entirely relative concept? [He sighs, then gestures impatiently.] But sure, enlighten me--what is my path out of purgatory?

Doctor? I have spent twenty odd years in constant mental contact with two blokes who are even more cynical than you. I never much minded. They have their reasons. So do you.

But the truth is that you're so isolated that you're not getting enough feedback from the world. You end up stuck in your own head too much and you know just as well as I that oftentimes one's own head isn't a pleasant or even logical place. And when it gets too bad, people look for a way to not think for a while. I know that first hand. It's how I ended up overdosing.

That's right. I'm not exactly naive about chemical life-enhancement, and what happens if you don't have a proper handle on it. I'm going to make certain you have meds to treat your pain, and I'm not taking your pub privileges. But I have to make sure you don't hurt yourself. That is where things start. Just a bit of harm reduction.

[Hey, inside his head is the safest place he knows. At least that's what he tells himself. It feels safer because he can ignore the scary stuff inside his head easier than the scary stuff outside. He's a pro at repression.]

Why bother if the only person I hurt is me? [He knows he's not the only person he hurts, but if he tells himself he's the only one getting hurt, he can avoid the guilt.] Shouldn't I have the right to screw up my life if I want to?

Well, as someone who actually gives a damn about you I'd say no, but that's bias. The problem isn't so much that you hurt yourself. It is your life, after all. It's that other people tend to get caught in your blast radius.

Which would make it their fault. Any idiot knows to stay far away from me. [Despite the words, his tone isn't argumentative. He knows other people suffer because of his actions. He denies it, because that's what he does, but he knows.]

But whatever. I'm supposed to manage my use of intoxicating substances. I can do that. [He really believes he can, despite his past history.] What else? I mean, there has to be more to it.

But even if you choose to isolate yourself socially, you still have the people you need in order to pursue your calling. Coworkers, subordinates, patients. I'm willing to take my risks with you no matter what you decide, but they should not have to.

Honestly, that's the best start. I've had some thoughts to next steps, like getting you a guitar and perhaps a place to play it. Have a look outside that shell of yours.

[Why oh why must he be held responsible for the well-being of others? He's incapable of seeing to his own safety.

But fine, okay, he knows he needs to stop messing up everyone else's life just 'cause his is so pathetic.

And a guitar would definitely be nice.]

I know what's outside. Why do you think I made that shell to begin with?

I know what's outside too. For that matter, you don't know the worst of it. You've never been chased down by tanks, for example.

Look. I don't expect you to turn into Joe fucking Extrovert. A lot of people aren't worth the emotional risk of connecting with them on more than a superficial level. But you can have a few friends. A bit of empathy. It doesn't have to be a catastrophic thing.

Some of my clanmates do various things to disconnect from the rest of the group mind for long spans. They're the introverts. That's just how they are. But even they reconnect a little now and again, in their own ways.

[He wants to point out he had friends back home. A few friends...maybe two. But given how well that's gone for him, he desists.]

It'll all end in tears. [Well, it will. He just doesn't know if they'll be his, yours, or someone else's.] And you do realize the pool of potential friends is somewhat...tainted. [Come on, the barge is full of psychopaths and killers. And psychopathic killers.] I can barely control my own anti-social urges. Do you really think making friends with the freaks on this ship is going to help me?

I'll take that risk. Bet a number of others would too--the sort of people who don't actually suck.

[A pause. It's a good point.]

Yes and no. There's actually a great mix in this place. It is true, some people you cannot trust and I wouldn't ever push them at you. Some people around here need to be teleported out over a lake. Several times.

We need to find a use for those urges, Doctor. Outlet, something fun and wicked without being too damaging. You'd be one Hell of a satirist, for example.

For lastvoyages: nineteenth vision [video]

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