For lastvoyages Twenty-first vision (video+spam for pub)

[can_has_vodka]

 [Arkady's standing in one of the hallways, looking a little lost.]

...Oh. So this is what it feels like.

Um...Dr. House's door has returned to Barge normal. So...he's left us. 

[She hopes it just means he woke up on the damn operating table. She has to convince herself that that's what happened.]

I'll be down the pub if anyone needs anything.

[Friends filter]
I could use a hug. I'll be all right, but I could still use a hug.

[Private for Reaver]
So I heard you're interested in our little establishment. Well, there's a bit of learning involved and I'm happy to help with that. Perhaps we should start with a tasting?

[Spam for pub]
[Arkady is puttering around, teleporting now and again to save time or rescue a dropped glass. She's clearly coping with her loss, but wears the occasional sadface. She's pretty much letting in anyone who knocks.]

Comments

[spam]

[can_has_vodka]

Oh yes, if you wouldn't mind. [The pint goes to its table and she pops over for a big hug. She's getting a bit stronger since actually practicing walking places instead of popping around like a demented hummingbird.]

[spam]

[takeyouapart]

[He wraps his arms around her and hugs tight - he has his own worries and insecurities right now but he can put them all the way aside for the sake of a friend. He remembers how he felt about losing Ethan, and even Cara, and he's still unavoidably haunted by the sense that he failed them both.]

I'm sorry.

[spam]

[can_has_vodka]

[Arkady sighs and snuggles for a little bit before letting go.] You know, it's all right. There's no way a soul like that could just be extinguished. I'll just miss him.

[spam]

[takeyouapart]

[He smiles. It'd be nice to think the same of Ethan, though he seemed incredibly determined to spend his adulthood putting himself in harm's way.] Yeah. That's...I'm glad you're alright, Arkady.

[spam]

[can_has_vodka]

I ask for what I need from people, I have lots of friends and I have an outlet or two. It's a secret to not getting too down.

[spam]

[takeyouapart]

[He smiles. It's...not a coping strategy he considers to be practical for him, but he's pleased it works for her.]

Well, now you've told me it's not much of a secret any more, eh?

[spam]

[can_has_vodka]

No, I suppose not! I shall have to come up with another secret, I suppose!

[She rocks on her bare feet.]

Have to admit I'm dead curious as to what life is like in your time. I'm from the same region almost exactly.

[spam] I'm sorry you did not ask for these feels arkady but here they are :C

[takeyouapart]

Oh. Well, it's...

[Even now he has a frame of reference, sort of, it's still difficult to talk about what life in Camelot is 'like'.]

It's hard. There's a lot of small things that make life easier here that I think some people on the Barge take for granted. People have to struggle to look after themselves and each other, no matter who they are. Camelot's dangerous, even for people like me, and it can be unforgiving and...there's so much I wish could change. That I want to change.

[He pauses a second, and when he talks again his voice grows steadily more impassioned.]

But...it's beautiful, as well. The people of Camelot are good, they're a great people, and I would lay down my life for any one of them. They fight harder than anything I've ever seen for the people they love. They treasure one another. And things have changed, so much, even in the short time Arthur's been King. There's been so much darkness, so much ignorance, but it's starting to clear away. There's real hope for people's lives to be safe, and prosperous, and for people not to have to suffer any more, and...I...

[His eyes sting and he realises he's crying, prompting a blush and an embarrassed laugh as he turns away and reaches up to wipe at his cheeks.]

Oh. I'm sorry.

[spam] Awwwww!

[can_has_vodka]

Oh my. It sounds like you've had a very difficult time bettering your country. It's rather something I am familiar with, though it's going to be a bit before we can say the dark times are over.

But our land and people, they're strong, you know. Stories of Camelot are still told. They're not stories of tragedy, but of triumph.

[For the most part anyway. No point mentioning that bit about Lancelot...]

[spam]

[takeyouapart]

[He's not crying about Camelot. Not really. He's read the stories, and he doesn't need her reassurance (and Lancelot is long dead as far as he's concerned). It's more about what talking about it drags up - his intense homesickness, the nagging sense that he can do more good in Camelot than he'll ever be able to do here, that even without the passage of time he's betraying his kingdom by simply being here. That he's drifting away from Arthur. That he can't do right for doing wrong.

His head hurts; he feels physically ill. But he doesn't begrudge her the misinterpretation, he just nods.]

...Thank you.

[spam]

[can_has_vodka]

...

...that's not it at all, is it?

Serves me right for staying out of people's heads.

Re: [spam]

[takeyouapart]

[He knows he's being selfish when he came here for her, but then he hears her voice in his mind and it's too much, too close to be spoken to as the druids spoke to him. He presses the heels of his hands against his eyelids.]

Arkady, I don't know why I'm here any more. Everything I touch I'm just making worse.

[spam]

[can_has_vodka]

[She swallows and looks down at her bare feet.]

You seem very burned out right now. It is difficult to sustain hope when one is emotionally exhausted. Have you considered a vacation, or perhaps a change of approach?

[spam]

[takeyouapart]

[Merlin sits down on the edge of a table, folding his fingers together.]

If I go home I won't come back.

[And part of him finds that reprehensible, because if he can't maintain a few years' commitment to Reaver, how can he truly think himself capable of giving the lifetime he's promised to Camelot, to Albion - to Arthur?

But it's a question of receptiveness, as well. Camelot doesn't just need change, it wants it. The people are ready to accept a new perspective, and Reaver just...isn't.]

[spam]

[can_has_vodka]

[She draws near, knotting her fingers together.]

I went through something very similar to this. Remember that conversation we had in Paris? At that point I was ready to go home for good. There's this terrible self doubt that I have sensed a lot of Wardens wrestling with. But I sought the support of my friends, and reminded myself that I would be failing a number of people if I left. Within a week of our conversation my Inmate had a major breakthrough. Sometimes that is how it happens. Sometimes the biggest victories come after you've overcome the urge to just chuck it all.

[spam]

[takeyouapart]

[He breathes in and then sighs out. He remembers their talk in Paris; he's been fighting his urge to chuck it all since even before then. Maybe that's what's changed now. Maybe he just wants to stop fighting. He doesn't know if he has the energy for one last push before he gives up altogether.]

I don't know if I can. [And though he doesn't mean to project it, the thought slips out anyway:] Not for him.

[spam]

[can_has_vodka]

[A long moment of thoughtfulness.]

Is Reaver the issue? I have seen him in action some, and I might be of help in this. Would it feel less impossible with some back-up, or advice? Or...do you need to be away from him altogether?

[She reaches for his hand.]

You've been there for me, and knowing you I'm not the only one. I want to do for you.

[spam]

[takeyouapart]

[He just lets her take his hand, and after a moment his fingers curl around hers.]

I just...I don't know what it'll take. Sometimes I think -- but then he says something and it's like he hasn't changed at all. Like his mind's just...welded in place.

[spam]

[can_has_vodka]

He's stubborn and childish and seems to need to be drawn out by fun and an idea of personal gain. He also seems to be sulky about something. These things are ego defenses. It doesn't mean he's not changing inside, but when all you can see is the armor of his behavioral habits...well. It must feel a bit like wearing a brick wall down with your head.

[spam]

[takeyouapart]

It does, I - I know. I know all that. [He sounds exasperated but not with her. He's always known that the more Reaver changes, the more desperate he is to seem like nothing's changed at all.] He has changed, in some ways. I'm not blind to it; we do talk, and sometimes he even forgets to lie. But...the more honest he is, the more it seems like he's just becoming....different. Not better.

[spam]

[can_has_vodka]

Oh dear. That is a knotty issue, is it not? I hate to say this, but it may take something traumatic for him to open up properly and start thinking about progress. That was how it was for Dr. House.

Fortunately trauma happens often around here, and he's likely going to find that old ill fitting suit of armor doesn't help him much. And then he'll start to realize he needs you.