For lastvoyages Twenty-first vision (video+spam for pub)

[can_has_vodka]

 [Arkady's standing in one of the hallways, looking a little lost.]

...Oh. So this is what it feels like.

Um...Dr. House's door has returned to Barge normal. So...he's left us. 

[She hopes it just means he woke up on the damn operating table. She has to convince herself that that's what happened.]

I'll be down the pub if anyone needs anything.

[Friends filter]
I could use a hug. I'll be all right, but I could still use a hug.

[Private for Reaver]
So I heard you're interested in our little establishment. Well, there's a bit of learning involved and I'm happy to help with that. Perhaps we should start with a tasting?

[Spam for pub]
[Arkady is puttering around, teleporting now and again to save time or rescue a dropped glass. She's clearly coping with her loss, but wears the occasional sadface. She's pretty much letting in anyone who knocks.]

Comments

[spam]

[can_has_vodka]

[She swallows and looks down at her bare feet.]

You seem very burned out right now. It is difficult to sustain hope when one is emotionally exhausted. Have you considered a vacation, or perhaps a change of approach?

[spam]

[takeyouapart]

[Merlin sits down on the edge of a table, folding his fingers together.]

If I go home I won't come back.

[And part of him finds that reprehensible, because if he can't maintain a few years' commitment to Reaver, how can he truly think himself capable of giving the lifetime he's promised to Camelot, to Albion - to Arthur?

But it's a question of receptiveness, as well. Camelot doesn't just need change, it wants it. The people are ready to accept a new perspective, and Reaver just...isn't.]

[spam]

[can_has_vodka]

[She draws near, knotting her fingers together.]

I went through something very similar to this. Remember that conversation we had in Paris? At that point I was ready to go home for good. There's this terrible self doubt that I have sensed a lot of Wardens wrestling with. But I sought the support of my friends, and reminded myself that I would be failing a number of people if I left. Within a week of our conversation my Inmate had a major breakthrough. Sometimes that is how it happens. Sometimes the biggest victories come after you've overcome the urge to just chuck it all.

[spam]

[takeyouapart]

[He breathes in and then sighs out. He remembers their talk in Paris; he's been fighting his urge to chuck it all since even before then. Maybe that's what's changed now. Maybe he just wants to stop fighting. He doesn't know if he has the energy for one last push before he gives up altogether.]

I don't know if I can. [And though he doesn't mean to project it, the thought slips out anyway:] Not for him.

[spam]

[can_has_vodka]

[A long moment of thoughtfulness.]

Is Reaver the issue? I have seen him in action some, and I might be of help in this. Would it feel less impossible with some back-up, or advice? Or...do you need to be away from him altogether?

[She reaches for his hand.]

You've been there for me, and knowing you I'm not the only one. I want to do for you.

[spam]

[takeyouapart]

[He just lets her take his hand, and after a moment his fingers curl around hers.]

I just...I don't know what it'll take. Sometimes I think -- but then he says something and it's like he hasn't changed at all. Like his mind's just...welded in place.

[spam]

[can_has_vodka]

He's stubborn and childish and seems to need to be drawn out by fun and an idea of personal gain. He also seems to be sulky about something. These things are ego defenses. It doesn't mean he's not changing inside, but when all you can see is the armor of his behavioral habits...well. It must feel a bit like wearing a brick wall down with your head.

[spam]

[takeyouapart]

It does, I - I know. I know all that. [He sounds exasperated but not with her. He's always known that the more Reaver changes, the more desperate he is to seem like nothing's changed at all.] He has changed, in some ways. I'm not blind to it; we do talk, and sometimes he even forgets to lie. But...the more honest he is, the more it seems like he's just becoming....different. Not better.

[spam]

[can_has_vodka]

Oh dear. That is a knotty issue, is it not? I hate to say this, but it may take something traumatic for him to open up properly and start thinking about progress. That was how it was for Dr. House.

Fortunately trauma happens often around here, and he's likely going to find that old ill fitting suit of armor doesn't help him much. And then he'll start to realize he needs you.